What is verbal abuse? Are you being verbally abused? Take the Verbal Abuse Test to find out.
Verbal abuse is one of the common ways an abuser oppresses his or her partner and is a form of emotional abuse.
Domestic violence and other types of abuse can also be present when verbal abuse is a part of a marriage or committed relationship.
Knowing the signs of verbal abuse is the first-step to stopping this relationship poison.
Verbal abuse is a form of adult bullying and is always wrong!
Say NO to verbal abuse!
Every person is entitled to respect and freedom — this is an unconditional human right!
Verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and domestic violence all deny a person's natural human right to security, respect, and dignity.
Verbal abuse is the deliberate use of 'words' to degrade, humiliate, and subjugate another person.
The victim of verbal abuse is harmed in many ways, including lowered self-esteem, less self-worth, more worry and anxiety, and risk for depression.
Verbal abuse can occur in the home or the workplace. Most often, it occurs in the home between two intimate partners.
Verbal abuse — as well as every other form of abuse — cannot be justified and should not be accepted!
Nobody's behavior or situation can excuse another person's abusive behavior. The victim of abuse is NEVER to blame for the abuse they are suffering from!
Say NO to verbal abuse and every other form of abuse.
Not all 'bad' relationship behavior is abuse
Not all relationship conflicts, arguments, and disagreements are abuse.
Expressions of anger or unreasonableness are not necessarily abuse. Only when an individual's goal is control his or her partner is he or she categorized as an abuser.
When you challenge your partner to be more respectful, kind and accepting, and he or she acknowledges his or her faults and makes a sincere effort to be better, this is a strong indicator that he or she is not an abuser.
On the other hand, if your partner refuses to acknowledge his or her bad relationship behavior, blames you for all the relationship problems, continues to insult you, and threaten you, or promises to be better but does not follow through — then you know your partner is an abuser!
Here are the 14 definitive signs of verbal abuse in a marriage or committed relationship.
After being presented with the 14 signs of verbal abuse, you can take a Verbal Abuse Test.
The 14 Signs of Domestic Verbal Abuse
1. Verbal Assault. As domestic violence injures the body, verbal abuse injures your emotions and reduces your feelings of self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, security, and happiness.
Examples of Verbal Assault:
Your partner says to you...
- You are stupid.
- You are fat.
- You are the only one who doesn't know how to do this.
- Didn't your mother teach you anything? Don't you have a brain?
- Nobody likes you; you have no friends.
- You cause all our problems.
- You are worthless.
- It's your fault that I am angry!
2. Always Disagreeing. Arguing, always believing he or she is right, and never agreeing with what you say or want is another sign.
Examples of Always Disagreeing:
- You have no idea what are the best flowers to plant in our garden.
- I know you have your own ideas about how to discipline our son. However, I have told you many times that the way you are doing it is wrong! You should only do it the way I have told you.
- You pay too much for orange juice. If you shopped at the store where I go, you wouldn't overpay!
3. Sarcastic Jokes. Some verbal abusers are very skilled at embedding insults and embarrassing comments within humor. Humor can be used as a way to camouflage the intent of the comment so that the verbal abuser cannot be held responsible for what he or she says to you.
Examples of Sarcastic Jokes:
- If every time you made a mistake, we earned a dollar, by now we would be millionaires!
- I love you by the pound. Keep it up... gain more weight... you will be more loved than anyone else in this world!
- With that new hat, I am sure you could easily get a job at the circus!
4. Controlling The Conversation. Like a traffic cop who directs and controls traffic, a verbal abuser will control and manipulate the conversation and decide what you can and cannot speak about.
Examples of Controlling The Conversation:
- You have already asked me the same question a thousand times.
- You never listen to me, so why should I listen to you?
- You never learn, so why should I bother to talk with you?
- I have to interrupt you because you say so many stupid things.
5. Blaming. The abuser vigorously 'blames' you for any undesirable situation. Blame is not something that should be part of a healthy relationship. Thus, regardless of the cause of an unwanted event, blaming is always inappropriate, harmful, and one more example of verbal abuse.
Examples of Blaming:
- It is your fault that I lost my job. You never support me.
- It is your fault that I cheated on you because you don't give me enough love.
- It is your fault that I cannot find my keys. You never clean up around here.
6. Dismissing. Always minimizing your concerns and needs is a variant of verbal abuse.
Examples of Dismissing:
- So what if the windows were open last night! You are always paranoid. Stop thinking negatively and everything will be okay.
- I will not drive you to the doctor. You always make a mountain out of a molehill.
- So what if he criticized you! You are too sensitive.
- There is nothing wrong with my having lunch with an old boyfriend. Your jealousy just proves you are sick!
7. Threatening. Threatening with harsh consequences to manipulate your opinions or behavior is verbal abuse.
Examples of Threatening:
- If we get divorced, I will take the children from you. I will prove to the judge you are 'crazy.'
- If you don't stop your mother from sticking her nose into our business, I will never speak to her again.
- If you don't keep the house cleaner, I won't give you any more money.
8. Character Assassination. Character Assassination is when your value as a person is challenged.
Examples of Character Assassination:
- You are stupid, just like your brother.
- I regret that nobody told me how lazy you are before I married you.
- If you had half a brain, you could figure it out on your own.
- You have never achieved anything of value your entire life.
- I feel I have to treat you like a child.
9. Criticism. Continually expressing negative opinions and judgments about you.
Examples of Criticism:
- You spend too much money.
- You always drive too fast.
- When you eat, you chew too loud.
- You are always thinking the worst of people. This is why you have no friends.
10. Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of 'fact manipulation.' The truth has nothing to do with the matter at hand. The abuser tries to convince you that because you are 'crazy or stupid,' you don't know the truth!
Examples of Gaslighting:
- You gave me bad advice, and that's why we lost money on the stock market. (This never happened.)
- You always neglected our son Tom, and that is why he's doing so poorly in university. (This never happened.)
- You are abusive, and this is why we have such a bad marriage. (This is not true.)
- I never called you a 'bitch.' (When in fact the abuser did.)
11. Abusive Anger and Rage. The difference between normal relationship conflict and abuse is the intent. Not all anger is abusive. However, if a person uses anger with the intent to systematically control and manipulate you, then it is verbal abuse.
Examples of Abusive Anger and Rage.
- The abuser uses his or her anger to frighten you.
- The abuser uses his or her anger to bully you.
- The abuser uses his or her anger to force you to do what he or she wants.
12. Yelling. Raising the voice to intimidate and bully you is a variant of verbal abuse.
Examples of Yelling:
- All the above examples of verbal abuse are said in a loud and menacing voice.
- Screaming in a demanding and rude way such as; "bring me a fork or move your car."
13. Male-privilege. Some men are under the mistaken belief that their female partner must do whatever they want them to do. These men believe that 'their gender' makes them superior or entitled and that they have a right to control the relationship. This is wrong — men and women are equal.
Examples of Male-privilege (men speaking to their female partners):
- You need to do what I tell you to.
- It is time to have sex.
- Today, you must stay home and clean the house.
- I don't like your friend. Stop talking to her.
14. Racism. When a partner is shamed or put down because of his or her religion, culture, or skin color.
Examples of Racism:
- When I see where you and your family come from, it does not surprise me that you are so primitive.
- If you want to get close to God, become a member of my faith.
- I hope our children have my skin color and not your skin color.
- I don't want our children to be like your family. This is why they can't see your parents.
Four steps to freeing yourself from verbal abuse
1. If you believe you are in a verbally abusive relationship, I encourage you to learn more about verbal and emotional abuse.
Take the FREE Verbal Abuse Test below to learn if you are being verbally abused.
2. Acknowledge that abuse is never your fault.
Verbal abuse — and every other type of abuse — cannot be justified. Nobody has a right to hurt you — whether physically or emotionally. Nobody has a right to control you. Your freedom and dignity is a human right!
3. Take the position that you will not accept being abused.
Unless you make it clear to your abuser that you will not tolerate abuse, the abuse will likely continue.
There are many ways to let your abuser know that verbal abuse will not be tolerated. For example, in person, through writing, or in the presence of another person. Whichever way you chose, make sure you are safe.
4. Make a practical plan on how to stop being verbally abused.
Knowing that verbal abuse is wrong and harmful is never enough!
You must do whatever it takes — no matter how much effort is required — to make sure your partner treats you with kindness and respect and that you feel safe when with him or her.
Taking decisive action to stop abuse is your responsibility and opportunity.
Consulting with an experienced and caring professional can often help you devise a practical plan to end the verbal abuse.
When possible, you should try to preserve your relationship.
However, when this is not possible, there are other options.
The Verbal Abuse Test — take it NOW!
- Completely FREE
- No email is required
- Immediate results
- Private and confidential
- 15 easy questions
The Verbal Abuse Test is designed to help individuals determine if they are in a verbally abusive relationship.
This test has been written by the author of this article, a top experienced and qualified relationship specialist.
Learn the TRUTH about your relationship.
If the Verbal Abuse Test determines that you are verbally abused, you need to take action.
Know your verbal abuser CAN change for the better IF he or she wants to.
However, you must start the process to stop the abuse.
You do this when you take the position that you will no longer accept being verbally abused, that your relationship is conditional — that your partner treats you and speaks to you respectfully.
Act now to stop the abuse
No one should agree to live in an abusive relationship.
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, you need to reclaim your human right to be treated with dignity, respect, and equality.
Start your journey to a healthier relationship by taking the Verbal Abuse Test.
Steps after the Verbal Abuse Test
After you have taken the Verbal Abuse Test, you will be offered the following additional resources to stop abuse:
1. Get our FREE 58-page Marriage and Committed Relationship Guide, Be A Couple Team — the ten most important guidelines. Learn what a healthy and happy relationship is like!
2. Take our Emotional Abuse Test.
3. Watch the Emotional Abuse and the Sexless Relationships video.
4. Learn more about abuse and get FREE resources to STOP abuse.
About the author
Abe Kass, MA, RSW, RMFT, CCHT., is a Registered Social Worker, Registered Couple and Family Therapist, Certified Hypnotherapist, and award-winning Educator. He has a busy clinical practice in Toronto, Canada and throughout the world using the phone or Zoom.
After many years of clinical practice and research, Abe concluded that practical solutions requiring a focused effort of no more than a few minutes a day for very specific relationship problems were critically needed. GoSmartLife Publishing House has been created to fill this need.